so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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