last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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