Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
When did we convert life to cartoon?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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