The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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