nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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