saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
