Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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