he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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