my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
