The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
