His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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