I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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