They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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