i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
