smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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