She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Randomize
