You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
