I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
