non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
