You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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