I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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