this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
