Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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