the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
