I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
