Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
