I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
