if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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