I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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