im drinking this country out of the recession.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
