I am spending my child support on dildos
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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