Your mouth is God's brothel.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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