sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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