maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
