It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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