Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
