somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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