Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
