Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
