Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
