You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
