11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
