My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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