; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
false alarm. still invincible.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
