life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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