I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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