here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
