i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
