please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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