do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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