I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
