i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
