Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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