My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Iām sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
