I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
don't judge my taste in strippers
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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