I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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