i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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